Gray Line Wanderings Travel Blog

If you’ll forgive me one brief Twilight Zone reference, for some people, the thought of flying is actually more terrifying than the monster on the wing.  If you ever need to leave your neighborhood and unless endless bus rides or cousin Eddie-style RV trips are on your fun list (you show me that list, I show you a liar), conquering that fear of flying is most likely in your best interest. Luckily, this non-medically-endorsed, completely unofficial, and in no way responsible for your decisions blogger has compiled a short list of tips for the un-terrified traveler:

1)   Make yourself comfortable. Often stress results from an unfamiliar situation. Lose all inhibition, forget the comfort of your neighbors, flight attendants and pilots, and do what you need to do, sister. Gnarly flannel nightgown? Sure. Massive body pillow for snuggling? Why not. Your new mantra: keeping it comfy keeps it sane.

2)   The more you know (thanks late 90’s NBC Saturday morning teen programming). Check out every book the library has on flight. Actually more realistically, read every article and blog post the internet has on flight. Once you’ve reached the end of the interwebs, you’ll know all the ins and outs of flight physics—and knowing exactly how you’re staying up might just help.

3)   Pharma-snooze-ticals. Again, massive disclaimer, neither myself, this blog, or any affiliates thereof hold any actual medical certifications, so you’re on your own with this one. But seriously, anti-anxiety and sleeping medications were divinely ordained for just such scenarios as white-knuckled trans-Atlantic flights. Get you some.

Aren't you happy this isn't your dad?

We’ve tried pointing and laughing. We’ve tried outright mocking. There have even been some instances of physical abuse. But, nothing – not even begging – has successfully dissuaded travelers from wearing fanny packs when they are on the holiday prowl. I write this piece from the philanthropic urges within my human spirit. I don’t know what else to say, except that I want a better world – a world where Bambi runs free, where Xbox is a national sport, and mostly, where we don’t have to look at fanny packs when on vacation. I appeal to your reasoning faculties, and urge you to please put down your fanny pack!

It’s all in the name

For a long time, I could not understand how society had allowed the word fanny to be used as an adjective for describing a satchel. Growing up in South Africa we called fanny packs moon-bags. The word fanny had quite a different meaning and it was considered less than appropriate to point out that a grown man had a fanny (pack). It wasn’t until much later (today) that I discovered the American definition of the word – and I am delighted to inform you that it has nothing to do with the erogenous zones of any creature. Semantics aside, I think we can all agree that wearing something that features the word fanny would not be considered cool in any country – except, perhaps, Japan.

Becoming a target

If you are a reasonable person, then I can presume that you wouldn’t purposefully engage in activities that are dangerous. I can also presume that you understand the importance of exercising caution when visiting a different country. This brings into question the prudence of wearing an item that literally renders you a target in the travel wilderness. Do you know why chameleons successfully survive in the wild? No, it’s not because they can change color – It’s because they don’t wear fanny packs.

If you don’t need it on a normal day, you don’t need it on holiday

There are endless mysteries in the universe: Stonehenge, the pyramids, the Bermuda Triangle and the always-pressing question of what Charlie Sheen’s girlfriend did in the cupboard for a whole weekend. But of all these mysteries, none is more perplexing than the contents of a fanny pack. What is it that the fanny-pack-clad traveler finds necessary to carry around when on holiday? I am confident that their passports are at the hotel, and a Fanny pack isn’t large enough for a Glock. So, what is it that gives the fanny pack its awkward bulge?

If you have any idea what travelers carry in their fanny packs, please let me know. The mystery is interfering with my ability to work, and I would really appreciate someone putting an end to this torture!

Leave your interesting and creative responses below…